Bandits Sneak Out of Saskatchewan with their First Win

The Fraser Valley Bandits’ streak of futility is over. The heretofore winless British Columbians popped their CEBL cherry with a 101-89 victory over the hometown Saskatchewan Rattlers on a cheery yet perfunctory night at the SaskTel Centre. I say perfunctory because pretty much everyone seemed to be going through the motions, to some degree. This included fans, staff, and players—everyone except the Fraser Valley Bandits.

The perfunctory tone was set early on with a wholly routine pregame. Really, it all feels quite predictable now. As the Rattlers entered for their warmup, they were greeted with a golf clap. The Venom Girls smiled vapidly and waved their pompoms and fully embodied the anachronism that they are. During their pregame lordotic capering, your correspondent watched the people watching the Venom Girls. The faces throughout the stands were impassive, the husbands trying to look disinterested, as if they were more concerned with the intricacies of the choreography, their wives betraying a dejected curiosity.

With Canada Day upcoming, those in attendance were encouraged to sing along proudly to "Oh, Canada". Your correspondent decided that, for once in his life, he would not be too cool for school, and would do just what the announcer commanded. Rest assured he was the only person in his section who sang along—at full throat, no less—and drew some stares as he stood on guard off-key.

The Rattlers’ play was uninspired in the first quarter, and the 0-9 Bandits were little better. The first ten minutes saw an inordinate amount of shots rimming around and lipping out of the basket, especially for the Rattlers, who were feckless in the cylinder. And picking up where they left off last game, the Rattlers missed foul shot after foul shot.

Even Gregor, the irrepressible hype-man, seemed lethargic as he made his way through his promos. Sluggishness is never good, but its contagious, depressive effects are compounded immeasurably when it is coming from a man with “hype” in his job title.

The big man Chris McLaughlin preps to make a free-throw

The Bandits led 21-16 going into the second. The Rattlers had a bit more zest, drawing closer thanks to the virile ball-handling of Bruce Massey. But Bruce could only do so much. A case in point: on two occasions he threw up picturesque alley-oop set-ups, only to have his intended target miss the ball. The Bandits made their buckets when they needed them, and they were no slouches on defense, either, with Jamal Ray, the Texarkana Phantom, always playing solid on the ball. As time wore on, Ray and his teammates wore the Rattlers down. Chad Posthumous, whom the obnoxious bearded loudmouth two seats to your correspondent's right refers to as “Big Country” due to his vague resemblance to former Vancouver Grizzlies' standout  Bryant Reeves, looked dead tired. Posthumous was hoovering breaths like his life depended on it.

Meanwhile, official-looking guys wearing black suits and earpieces combed through the rows of the lower bowl, offering freebie tickets to fans with less-than-ideal views. Your correspondent was propositioned with seats in section R, but summarily refused, explaining to the man in black brandishing the better tickets that moving would be a “disruption of the psyche.” This occasioned a nonplussed look from the man in black.

Also decked in black was Ssswish, Saskatchewan's favorite anthropomorphic snake. Tonight, in the spirit of the graduation season, he donned a cap and gown, and raced out onto the court at a break in play to collect felicitations from the crowd. He got a few cheers, but this segment, much like a liberal arts degree, didn’t really lead to much of anything.

The Rattlers’ attacks didn’t go anywhere either. They had pulled within a handful near the end of the second quarter, but the Bandits drained some clutch threes before the buzzer and lead 43-33 at the half. It was tough to gauge the audience’s reaction, as your correspondent’s entire section had cleared out, those seated around him having cashed in on the opportunity to upgrade their seats. They had mostly migrated over to the seats parallel with the court; obviously, the league’s black-suit-and-earpiece guys wanted to fill the hard-camera sides of the arena to make the crowd look denser for TV. Your correspondent didn't mind the added legroom. Moreover, the obnoxious bearded loudmouth had moved well out of earshot.

The halftime show was a magic act. A somewhat dotty prestidigitator named Ryan Boucher took to center court and started by having a random guy shoot baskets. After the guy made a basket on his fifth try, Boucher had the guy pull a sheet of paper out of an envelope which bore a "prediction" of how many baskets he would have made. The sheet read, of course, the number one. Boucher transitioned into a follow-up bit where he brought out a bullwhip and started lashing out at airborne playing cards or something. This culminated in him whipping the card that the random guy had earlier drawn, I think, but honestly, the magic show was too far away to really register.

The Rattlers just couldn’t crack the whip in the second half. Early in the third, Marlon Johnson took a foul and a technical to boot, which lead to a three-point play for the Bandits. On the other end, the home team continued to miss from the charity stripe—in fact, the fouls they drew turned into so many botched free-throws, it was the Rattlers who seemed to be the charitable ones. Massey continued to make valiant drives to the hoop, but time and again his shots circumnavigated the rim and then popped out. The Bandits, meanwhile, consistently scored points in the paint and pulled away. Clearly, it was their game to lose.

If the Rattlers’ weren’t entirely present on the court, neither was the promotional team on its periphery. The various themed cameras were wholly absent until the third, when Flex Cam made an unremarkable tour through the arena. Kiss Cam failed even more pronouncedly. Even as Gregor started into all the innuendo that comes with the initiation of Kiss Cam, the Jumbo-Tron remained locked on a static generic CEBL graphic, and then cut rather listlessly to the Rattlers’ bench. All told, only one couple appeared on camera for the cursory serving of communally-viewed canoodling—and not a particularly handsome couple at that.

Fraser Valley was up 69-58 going into the fourth. The Rattlers free-throw shooting didn’t get any better, and it became clear that the Bandits weren’t afraid to play hard in the paint, because a shooting foul would likely only cost them a single point at most. To watch the Rattlers’ free-throw woes is to encounter a strange sort of melancholy, and to invite it upon one's self. It’s as if the team has developed a psychological complex around free-throws. Meanwhile, the Bandits just simply pulverized the paint, steered by the sheer acromegalic force of Chris McLaughlin, the 6’10 center who would end up leading the Bandits in scoring. The Rattlers looked enfeebled up against this mountainous long-hair.

The title of Fan of the Game was bestowed upon a sheepish, elderly woman, red-faced with palpable shame as the camera fixed itself upon her. The choice seemed fitting on this night, as the Rattlers’ and all associated personnel went through the motions in a losing effort. That is to say, the choice seemed wholly perfunctory.

When the buzzer sounded, the Fraser Valley Bandits had a 101-89 victory. The fans filed out dutifully, their smiles enduring, but rather emptily so. Though the home team’s loss may have left them mildly disappointed, it might just be the best of all possible outcomes. That the league's only winless team picked up its first victory by outdoing the team with the best attendance on its home court is nothing short of a blessing. It ensures that there is at least a semblance of competitiveness throughout the CEBL, which is ultimately positive for a fledgling league.

River Lions Ravage the Rattlers

The Saskatchewan Rattlers fell to the Niagara River Lions 94-83 in a Friday-night fight between CEBL heavyweights in St. Catherines, Ontario. The lead went back and forth throughout the better part of four quarters, but the Rattlers proved to be their own anti-venom with atrocious sub-50% free-throw shooting. This allowed Niagara to pull away in the final quarter. With the loss, the Rattlers put an end to their three game winning streak; they have come up short in all three meetings with the River Lions this season.

Raptors (and Rattlers) Win Big

On Thursday, June 13th, the Saskatchewan Rattlers beat the Fraser Valley Bandits in a sparsely attended CEBL contest in southwestern British Columbia. Of course, the poor attendance was forgivable, as a far more important basketball game was being played 777 miles to the south of Abbotsford in Oakland, California. Here, the Toronto Raptors were scratching out an arduous 114-110 victory over the seemingly insuperable Golden State Warriors in game six of the NBA Finals, bringing the NBA championship north of the border for the first time in its history. It was the end of an historic playoff run that inspired an entire nation from coast to coast; apparently, the handful of Abbotsfordians who showed up to the comparably meaningless CEBL game were living in another country, at least mentally speaking. But Toronto's triumph augurs well for basketball in Canada. Poorly attended though the Rattlers/Bandits showdown was, the Raptors' championship might be enough to solidify basketball as a profitable Canadian commodity...and it might just ensure a second season for the CEBL.

Rattlers Ground the Nighthawks

On a subdued Saturday evening in southwestern Ontario, the Saskatchewan Rattlers clipped the wings of the Guelph Nighthawks with a 98-86 victory. The win marks the Rattlers' second triumph on the Nighthawks' home court in this inaugural CEBL season. The Rattlers seemed wholly unperturbed by the absence of sharpshooter Negus Webster Chan, who was out of the lineup with a ankle injury sustained last Friday in Saskatoon. As could be expected, Bruce Massey led the charge for the Rattlers, who are now two games above .500.

The Rattlers made a nigh impossible comeback in the second half.

Rattlers Swat the Stingers

The Rattlers avenged their previous loss to the Edmonton Stingers with a 69-62 win at the Snake Pit, which was chock-full of boundless youthful enthusiasm (and on a school night, no less). The game was not exactly a showcase for the CEBL on-court product, but the Rattlers’ victory over their de facto regional rivals pushes them back above the .500 mark.

The Rattlers looked sloppy to start. The ref (who was a woman (which is great)) was keen on calling travelling against the Rattlers early on. Edmonton capitalized on these sorts of turnovers, jumping out to a 15-3 lead. They drained several buckets to the beat of “Lady Venom”; kudos to DJ Charly Hustle for remembering Canadian hip-hop flash-in-the-pan Swollen Members.

With the score still lopsided, the venerable hype-man Gregor provided some distraction by asking that we draw out attention to Swish. (The keen-eyed Saskatchewanese could have spotted the Rattler’s serpentine mascot on national television as recently as last Wednesday at an update from the Toronto Raptors’ NBA Finals viewing party.) Gregor wanted us to witness the little harlequinade developing between the court and the hockey boards. Along this narrow strip of concrete, a child dressed in a bee costume (representing the vespine opposition) was fleeing from the perpetually smiling anthropomorphic snake, who was brandishing a fishing net. Eventually, Swish succeeded in capturing the costumed child in the net, but it didn’t feel quite right to cheer for him having done so.

The incomparable Bruce Massey

Thanks to the boundless ball-handling skill of captain Bruce Massey, the Rattlers went on an 11-2 run and got to within 3 by the end of the first quarter. In the second, both teams were sloppy, players flopping around flounder-like, often scrabbling on their stomachs for the (frequently) loose ball. Players from both sides perpetually slipped, threw bricks, got sprawled out, and jacked air-balls. With 1:33 left in the second, the score was 29-29, which is a first quarter score if there ever was one. The Rattlers managed to take a 33-31 lead into the half. There was a preponderance of middle-school children in attendance, and by this point they were cheering joyously on account of the hometown lead.

At the half, a group of local 11-year-old boys played an abbreviated exhibition basketball game. The kids had clearly been well-coached, and on the whole they looked more polished than the players from the Stingers and Rattlers had in the previous half. Sure, they missed more than their share of shots, but again, they averaged 4’6’’ in height. When the baskets did go in, your correspondent, along with the rest of the crowd, applauded heartily. Seeing someone that small make a basket is actually far more impressive and inspiring than watching someone 6’10’’ do the same.

These 11-year-olds got game

In quarter three, the game remained close. With less than a minute to go, the Rattlers’ Negus Webster-Chan drove hard to the hoop, only to be fouled even harder. He made his free throws, but he left for the sidelines limping. The game was tied going into the fourth, each team with a meager 48 points to their credit.

Between quarters, a local junior dance team consisting of a handful of fifteen-year females took to the court to perform. Their specialty, we were informed, was pom-poms. They executed their routine solidly, moving beyond the usual step-aerobic capering of the Venom Girls. If anything, this local junior dance team was the superior dance troupe. Once again, youth held its own against the professional product, and may have even prevailed over it.

Early in the fourth, Marlon Johnson slammed home an impressive one-handed jam, and the momentum swung in favor of the Rattlers. It was palpably obvious that it wasn’t going to swing back. The fans could feel it, as was evidenced by a particularly passionate round of Kiss Cam. At least two couples went full-tongue for the camera. Kiss Cam would eventually find DJ Charly Hustle all by his lonesome. Swish, however, rushed into the picture and heartily embraced the forlorn DJ, attempting to inhale his head. While Hustle and Swish made connections off-court, the Rattlers were connecting on it, led by the usual suspect, Mr. Massey. Massey made a crucial basket to stretch the Rattlers’ lead to 7, and then the home team’s D followed up with a steal. After some prolonged ball-wrestling in and around centre court, the Rattlers eventually converted another bucket, making the lead insurmountable.

Swish attempts a basket with a beach-ball

At a pause in play, Gregor stole our attention once again for another Swish-related burlesque. Here, Swish went teetering down the steps of section P, and then started dumping popcorn down on the fans seated therein. Whether he was spilling it or throwing it was not clear from your correspondent’s vantage point; on the whole, the skit was fairly aimless, and the crowd gave him a tepid but good-natured response.

The people in the Snake Pit were, you see, all quite cheery. There was an overall good feeling in the arena on this night, and it was not just the epiphenomenon of the drunken stupor that typified the average attendee in the Friday night crowd as per the previous home game. No doubt it helped that many in attendance were minors, and very well-behaved minors at that. The enthusiasm felt very real and wholesome. Low-scoring though their 69-62 win may have been, the Rattlers did not crush that youthful exuberance, but instead only amplified it with their resolute play, sending all the children and their parents home happy.