The Saskatchewan Rattlers finished up their 2019 regular
season schedule with a 125-115 loss at home to the lowly Guelph Nighthawks. As
the inflated score would suggest, the Nighthawks shot out the lights. The Rattlers,
however, didn’t look half-bad themselves, keeping pace for most of this
offensive showcase.
This final game of the Rattlers’ season was deemed “Fan
Appreciation Night.” That said, there was little indication of what this
entailed. Well before tip-off, it was announced that there were therapy dogs in
the building on the lower concourse, but this seemed only tangentially related
to appreciating the fans. Even more tangential was the special guest involved
in the opening tip, one of the surviving Humboldt Broncos. Nothing sets a
somber mood quite like the words “Humboldt Broncos.”
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| Connor Wood (centre) led the Nighthawks' long-range attack |
Things livened up after the real opening tip. The
Rattlers and the Nighthawks went back and forth early on, trading the lead
several times in the opening minutes. As more and more shots went up, however,
the Nighthawks established a solid lead. The rims were much friendlier to the
Nighthawks, and they got no shortage of fortuitous bounces. In fact, everything
they put up seemed to be going in. The pasty Canadian Connor Wood was
especially adroit from beyond the arc for the Guelph side, and he picked the
Rattlers apart with his three-balls. The Rattlers put up their fair share of
points too, but trailed 37-28 after the first quarter.
The promotional fan free-throw between quarters saw
the return of the Regular Joe. Sure, NHLer Brayden McNabb had made a shot the
previous week to break the streak of futility, but it hardly counted, your
correspondent would venture, in the hearts of the common fan. On this night, a
man in his middle-age (but not unfit) was given the ball. He lined up his first
shot and sank it, and now the streak of average fans missing baskets had
been obliterated. He made his second shot, as well, and received from the
attendees a well-deserved golf-clap for his efforts.
In the second quarter, everything continued to go down
for Guelph. Your correspondent’s methods are entirely qualitative, and so he
can only hazard wild guesses when it comes to the quantitative side of the
game. But by a rough estimate, 90% of Guelph’s shots went through the hoop.
Many of these shots were threes. The Nighthawks lead 51-31 with 5:31 remaining
in the half—that is, five whole minutes before halftime. Meanwhile, the
Rattlers weren’t generating any surplus of offense. Marlon Johnson persisted in
attempting shots from the perimeter, and he consistently missed.
At this point, Titanic Cam attempted to inject some
much-needed comic relief during a timeout. The fans seemed on the whole stunned
from the away team’s offensive onslaught, and they responded to the
diversion with minimal brio. As such, hype-man Gregor and pan-sexual
spokes-serpent Ssswish were forced to embrace for the second time this season, retreading
their Winslet and DiCaprio routine from two games previous. If your
correspondent heard correctly, Gregor uttered the phrase “Take me, Ssswish!”
But again, this was hardly a novel development, as the two have long been
established as an item. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that.) Finally,
Titanic Cam cut to a heavyset man standing alone in a whole section of empty
seats. With arms at full span, he leaned out over the digitally superimposed
ship’s prow with apparent earnestness, his eyes closed dreamily against an imagined
nautical mist.
When play resumed, Shane Osayande netted a three to
cut the score to 53-34. For his efforts, he received a Bronx Cheer, albeit with
the characteristic nasal raising of the Saskatchewanese accent. Osayande would
earn sincerer cheers just minutes later when he made a valiant steal and then parlayed
it into a breakaway slam dunk. Soon after, he came up with a big rejection on
defense. Osayande was the lone bright spot on the Rattlers’ side in the second
quarter. The Nighthawks were draining shots as if they were taking warmups. Rattlers’
Coach Greg Jockims, he of Al Bundy-esque physiognomy and comportment, sat
splay-legged and sullen at the end of the Rattlers’ bench.
Guelph led 75-52 at the half. Put differently, the
game was on pace to end 150-104 for the visitors. By this point, the presence
of the therapy dogs made a lot more sense.
Halftime involved another exhibition of children’s
basketball. It was during this break in action that your correspondent’s
seatmate ventured off into the main concourse. He was looking to buy a raffle ticket
on the Chevy truck that had been, at one point in the season, parked behind the
east basket. He returned with a ticket and a tale to tell. Apparently, the merchant
who sold him the ticket made the following promise: “If you win the truck, I’ll
deliver it right to your house. And I’ll bring you one of the Venom Girls with
it.” It's interesting how the Venom Girls have, by this point in the season, become little more than chattel. Your correspondent should also add at this point that his seatmate is his
septuagenarian father.
First half potency notwithstanding, the Nighthawks
couldn’t keep it up in the third quarter. The Rattlers started to slither back,
spurred by—what else?—a massive Marlon Johnson dunk. This wasn’t the only thing
that stirred the crowd. Early in the third, Captain Alex Campbell took what was
by all indications a hard foul, but the ref thought the spill had been
embellished. “Flop warning to Alex Campbell,” said the PA announcer. This lead
to genuine ire among the fans, including one chinless ginger who screamed: “How
‘bout a no call warning to the ref?!”
Flex Cam offered only minimal distraction from the in-game
difficulties. DJ Charly Hustle spun “Workin’ for the Weekend” and the camera
made its rounds, prompting only half-hearted flexing from ropy mothers and
pencil-necked prepubescents. All told, the “Cams” were atypically unobtrusive
on Fan Appreciation Night. Maybe that was the true Fan Appreciation: more on-court
action, less promotional distraction.
When play resumed, the Rattlers took a bite out of the
Nighthawks’ lead. Shane Osayande rejected Connor Wood hard, and on the other
end, this led to points. An Alex Campbell three brought the Rattlers within
ten. The Nighthawks reclaimed some of their earlier shooting flair and went on
a 9-0 run. Remarkably, they hit the three-digit mark in the third, leading
101-82 with 38 seconds remaining. By the time the buzzer sounded, the visitors’
lead was 103-84.
Between the third and fourth, the Venom Girls did
their perfunctory dance routine, this time twerking to “Thunderstruck.” One young woman
in the crowd danced along, infant daughter in one arm. The young matriarch
moved the infant’s hands in synchrony with the Venom Girls’ sinuous gyrations.
The Rattlers were still envenomed in the fourth. To
start the final frame, they went on an 11-1 run. This was capped off with
another Marlon Johnson jam, which brought the score to 104-95. Adeptly, DJ
Charly Hustle spun “Runnin’ Back to Saskatoon.” Minutes later, Maurice Jones—that
tiny man—put in an acrobatic lay-up, and the Rattlers found themselves within
eight. The fans could apparently feel that a comeback was possible now, and they
burbled with excitement. They were sent into a frenzy when Marlon came up with
another steal and dunked it home. The score was 109-103. Soon after, Nighthawks’
hotshot scorer Connor Wood fouled out. Now the comeback seemed probable. Another
Captain Campbell connection from downtown made it 113-108, and then Maurice
Jones picked up two to bring the Rattlers within three. Now the comeback seemed
inevitable.
Then Shaquille Keith took a weak foul, for which the
Hawks’ Kimbal MacKenzie was allegedly the aggrieved party. The call made the
crowd ornery, and a whole course of chinless gingers started into a chant of “Ref,
you suck!” The pesky MacKenzie converted the attendant free-throws and the Guelph side found
themselves with a six point lead, 118-112. But still the Rattlers wouldn’t back
down, and yet another massive monster dunk from Marlon made the score 118-114. This,
however, was the Rattler’s last gasp. Answering back for the Nighthawks was
Jermel Kennedy, who drained the dagger three, making it 121-114 with less than a
minute to go. The only rattle left was that of death. On a night that was
ostensibly theirs, many of the local fans filed out early.
When the game finally ended, Captain Campbell took the
microphone. Classily, he addressed the fans that remained, apologizing for the
loss and offering the predictable thanks for coming out. After Campbell
finished, one of the Rattlers’ PR suits commandeered the mic and invited the
fans down onto the court for a photo-op. Other CEBL teams had done this in
their final home games, most notably the Edmonton Stingers, who had posed for a group photo with their fans. Many of the
Rattlers’ faithful hobbled listlessly down to the court, gathering for a
massive photo. Missing in the picture, however, were the Saskatchewan Rattlers’
players themselves. They had all got out of dodge, opting for the consolation of a hot shower.
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| The Rattlers' faithful congregates on the court |
Perhaps the fan/player connection is not as strong in Saskatoon
as it is in Edmonton. Or perhaps the Rattlers’ players are saving their glad-handing
for a bigger stage—the CEBL championship weekend. Perhaps the Saskatchewan fans
will get a chance for an even better on-court photo-op, not just with their
beloved Rattlers but with the championship trophy, too.
